El escritor y periodista norteamericano Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) es el autor del Diccionario del diablo. De este texto, muy irónico, de humor crudo contra todo y contra todos, y que a ratos roza por igual tanto la sonrisa sarcástica como la amarga, seleccionamos algunas de las definiciones que el ingenio de su autor nos ofrece.
A pesar del título, no es de ascendencia mefistofélica la mayor parte de los significados que nos sugiere el autor norteño, ni tan metafísico el mensaje que desea en verdad hacer tangible. Tristemente, aunque hayan salido de la pluma de Bierce, es mayormente la humanidad, su parte más oscura (y aquí sí cabría decirlo, no pocas veces diabólica) y los irracionales comportamientos y acciones de hombres como lobos de los hombres, los que cargan con la real autoría de estos enunciados y de muchos otros en el libro.
Abandonado, s. y adj. El que no tiene favores que otorgar. Desprovisto de fortuna. Amigo de la verdad y el sentido común.
Aborígenes, s. Seres de escaso mérito que entorpecen el suelo recién descubierto. Pronto dejan de entorpecer; entonces, fertilizan.
Administración, s. En política, ingeniosa abstracción destinada a recibir las bofetadas y puntapiés que merecen el primer ministro y el presidente. Hombre de paja a prueba de huevos podridos y rechiflas.
Corsario, s. Político de los mares.
Cuartel, s. Edificio en el que los soldados disfrutan de parte de lo que profesionalmente despojan a otros.
Dictador, s. Mandatario de un país que prefiere la pestilencia del despotismo a la plaga de la anarquía.
Economía, s. Compra del barril de whisky que no se necesita por el precio de la vaca que no se tiene.
Elector, s. El que goza del sagrado privilegio de votar por un candidato que eligieron otros.
Exiliado, s. El que sirve a su país viviendo en el extranjero, sin ser un embajador.
Finanzas, s. Arte o ciencia de administrar ingresos y recursos para la mayor conveniencia del adminis-trador.
Frontera, s. En geografía política, línea imaginaria entre dos naciones que separa los derechos imaginarios de una, de los derechos imaginarios de la otra.
Futuro, s. Época en que nuestros asuntos prosperan, nuestros amigos son leales y nuestra felicidad está asegurada.
Hombre, s. Animal tan sumergido en la extática contemplación de lo que cree ser, que olvida lo que indudablemente debería ser. Su principal ocupación es el exterminio de otros animales y de su propia especie que, a pesar de eso, se multiplica con tanta rapidez que ha infestado todo el mundo habitable, además del Canadá.
Insurrección, s. Revolución fallida. Fracaso de opositores que pretenden reemplazar un gobierno malo por otro desastroso.
Justicia, s. Artículo más o menos adulterado que el Estado vende al ciudadano a cambio de su lealtad, sus impuestos y sus servicios personales.
Malhechor, s. El principal factor en el progreso de la raza humana.
Ordenado, adj. Sujeto al orden, como un sedicioso colgado de un farol.
Patriota, s. El que considera superiores los intereses de la parte a los intereses del todo. Juguete de políticos e instrumento de conquistadores.
Plebiscito, s. Votación popular para establecer la voluntad del amo.
Política, s. Conflicto de intereses disfrazados de lucha de principios. Manejo de los intereses públicos en provecho privado.
Senado, s. Cuerpo de ancianos que cumple altas funciones y fechorías.
Veraz, adj. Tonto e iletrado.
Voto, s. Instrumento y símbolo de la facultad del hombre libre para hacer de sí mismo un tonto y de su país una ruina. Ω
Tomado de Ambrose Bierce: Diccionario del diablo, La Habana, Editorial Arte y Literatura, Colección Argos, 2017.
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